The Woman I Willed Myself To Become

Not all that long ago, I felt broken. I’d made choices I was ashamed of and found myself in a place so dark it hurt to be alive.

I needed to transform if I was going to RISE.

A heaping handful of supportive friends and family were there to hold my hand (My mom and Danielle Foerster top the list), but I also had to draw internal strength. So, among other things, I came up with a mantra, something I could repeat to myself each day. I held these words close to my heart:

Each morning I make a choice. I choose to love myself. I choose to act as if I am the woman I want to be, and moment by moment, decision by careful decision, I am becoming the kind of woman I admire most, one of the battle-strong who has overcome hardships and nourished her own dreams. A woman who can save herself. I’ve had the power all along, and now I know it.

I am choosing HOPE.

I imagined a woman who was strong and confident. I pictured someone who maintained her femininity and nurtured her children while growing her own company rooted in integrity. I willed myself to make the daily choices THAT woman would make.

A little over a month ago I sat down with Julia Badei, a photographer I have come to recognize as a member of my tribe.  I’d hired her to take family pictures along with ‘couples photos’ of Julian and I. In addition to the photo session I’d asked for, Julia told me about her Mother’s Day special. She offered free makeup application by a professional makeup artist along with a complimentary picture of just MOM.

I was thrilled about having my makeup done for our family photos. I wasn’t so excited about getting a picture of just me. What did I need a glam pic of myself for? I had author shots. Anything more seemed frivolous. Unnecessary.

Julia insisted. 

When she finished the photo shoot, I let Julian pick one of the more revealing shots for just him. I didn’t purchase any of the pretty pictures Julia had taken of me in the beautiful green silk dress. I wasn’t even sure if I liked them.

Then Julia posted one of those green silk dress pictures on my Facebook page, and I realized something important. That woman, the one I’d been “acting as if I was,” the woman I was striving to become – she was looking back at me.

I don’t nail it every day, and I will surely fall again, but in this moment, in this picture, Julia captured something I worked so hard for. I decided to revel in my accomplishment.

Life is not just about looking forward and pushing for bigger, better, next, MORE. Life is sweeter when we fully appreciate and give grace to our hard-earned triumphs. Honestly, what’s the point of scaling mountains if we can’t take a long deep breath and celebrate our journey?

I designated that powerful picture of The Woman In The Dress as my Facebook profile picture. Sometime soon, I’m also going to buy a professional print of this photo to frame and hang on a wall in my home. Because SHE, is The woman I willed myself to become.