I posted on International Women’s Day, that when women write their stories, they help shape the narrative of how we see, think, feel, and interpret the world around us.
But the truth is, writers don’t just write to influence others, we write to transform ourselves. We write to understand whatever subliminal conflict we are battling to resolve. We are driven to figure out exactly how to best interpret our own inner worlds.
Currently, I’m editing my latest manuscript, Lost Girl.
The protagonist, Shelby Day, is twenty-one. She’s an angsty young woman struggling to find herself, her meaning, what defines her. While Shelby is taking big risks to solve a double homicide, she is also doing her best to navigate her love life, specifically with her cameraman and best friend, Jack Miller.
I didn’t recognize what I was trying to work out in my head while I was writing the first draft of Lost Girl. I didn’t grasp the unconscious intentions steering my writing. But now that it’s over, and I’m editing, I can see it clearly.
I was nailing down what defines a healthy relationship between a man and woman. What ought to make a man desirable and worth fighting for.
The millennial woman’s definitions of masculinity and femininity have evolved from what I learned and internalized coming of age in the 80’s and 90’s.
I believed the men who were a little dangerous, more aggressive, and quick to anger, were REAL men. The guys who were gentle, always put the woman’s needs first, allowed the woman to take the lead in romance, were wusses.
I can’t hang this all on my generation, goodness knows my own personal life experiences played a role. And, obviously, back in the days of 90210, there were plenty of girls who proclaimed themselves Team Brandon. Not me. The good guy on that show made me want to hurl. So boring. So NOT cool.
Surprisingly, this attitude did not serve me well. When I started consciously dating after my divorce, my therapist advised me to go against my basic instincts. WHAT?!
She said, if I immediately wanted to take a man home, that was not the right man. If I actually enjoyed getting to know him and liked him as a friend – that was a person I wanted to make space for, to focus on.
This was sooooo NOT easy for me.
It was a challenge to push away the bad boys, and I wondered if I would end up alone, OR WORSE, settle on someone BORING.
But my therapist was right. I practiced my mantra… I acted as if I was the woman I wanted to become… I made decisions based on how THAT WOMAN would choose… and after dating what felt like half the single male adult population in San Diego, IT CLICKED. I landed a ‘good’ guy, who I found FUN and EXCITING.
I fell in love. Good love. I thought I had evolved.
But after writing this latest novel, I realized I was still struggling with my basic instinct. Shelby Day pushes aside the good guy, in favor of bad boys, until she finally gets a CLUE.
The stories that came before her, and the story she has the potential to tell, can shape a stronger, healthier narrative of how we see, think, feel, and interpret the world around us.
THIS, is why women must write.