Blogging is much trickier these days. There’s so many things in my private life, I feel the need to keep private.
I will say I have emerged from my self-imposed cave and officially put my heart back out into the dating world.
Opening yourself up to strangers is a vulnerable proposition. Practicing radical self-love while purposely choosing to trust “new friends” is both scary and exhilarating. It’s also incredibly educational. In a short period of time I have hurt others, been hurt, and learned a lot about my own wants, needs, dislikes, and desires.
Desperate pieces of me crave the known, the comfortable. I’ve been working hard not to fall into old patterns. All too often I catch myself leaning towards men I want to fix and who I think will rescue me in return. I’m a sucker for the fairy tale knight-in-shining-armor with deep wounds that need nursing.
I have to remind myself on the daily, I can’t love away anyone else’s hurts and I don’t need a man to make me valuable. Seems kind of obvious, but believing it and living it, don’t come natural to me.
I’m getting there, but no real-life story is one of overnight redemption. It is very much, two steps forward, one step crashing back. I’m getting up and trying again. Learning, growing, practicing resilience. A lot of days, standing on my own or trying with the wrong person, SUCKS. Some days are ridiculously awesome. My ultimate goal, with or without a romantic partner, is inner peace and contentment. I’ll let you know when THAT happens .
In the meantime, the boys and I are moving. We are homeowners once again and it feels great to prepare to paint walls, hang pictures, and call a little slice of San Diego – our most favorite place on this earth – home. My company, Acorn Publishing, is flourishing. Jessica Therrien and I signed a phenomenal new writer, hired two interns, and sold so many of our books, it’s hard to believe it’s all real.
Crazy what can happen when you take risks and believe in yourself.
