I wrote up a brilliant blog last week to post today on self esteem. I had a great opening line. Some women are born with it, some women take a hundred thousand years to develop it. I talked about all the great progress I have made in the past year.
Then I got an email from someone mocking my newfound warrior status in a way that seemed to imply I was a fraud. I felt immediately broken, all my words about self-esteem and growth were a big fat pathetic lie. I was still a scared little girl on the inside who worries about everything.
That ugly inner voice in my head starts up in weak moments, telling me I’m not smart enough, not talented enough, I don’t work hard enough, I don’t try hard enough, and then it gets worse. I start thinking of terrifying scenarios. What if my kids want to leave me and go live with their father full-time? Why would my kids ever want to be with me, when I’m just the mother with an anxiety disorder who takes too many naps and makes them eat vegetables every night and limits their screen time?
Just the other day I had an anxious meltdown about my soon-to-be published book. What if it totally sucks? What if people read it and hate it, or worse, are too bored to finish it? What if, G-d forbid, it ends up in the free book bin at the library!!!
Eventually, after crying to my mother, several girlfriends, and finally my boyfriend, I pulled myself back together. It also didn’t hurt that my guy texted me this picture and message, which made me tear up all over again:
No matter what happens with your book…we love you…we appreciate your work…we believe you are beautiful…and you will always be our celebrity.
It made me feel infinitely better and it also made me think, who wants to be a twenty-four-hour warrior anyway? That would be a complete pain in the ass.
Here’s what I do know for sure. We are works in progress. Some days we are warriors and some days we are wusses. What matters is, deep down we learn to love ourselves and behave as if we believe in ourselves.
My wish for all the women out there is to believe in your bones these simple truths: We don’t have to be the sweetest, or the cutest, or the most accomplished to be valuable. We just need to do our best, be good people, love ourselves, and expect the best for ourselves. We deserve that. We are worthy.
Do you agree? What is your truth?